Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Never been born. Wednesday, Sept. 15, 2010.

“I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all.” –“Bohemian Rhapsody,” Queen

“I never asked to be born!” I yelled at my mother.

Maybe I was 12. I don’t remember what the hullabaloo was about. It could have been an argument about my homework or about keeping my room clean. Whatever it was about, I’m sure that almost every kid has pointed out this fact to his parents at least once.

Because it’s true. None of us ask to be here. Well, some people believe that our souls lay in waiting, choosing what body to be born in. But that doesn’t make much sense to me. I think we come into this world without anyone asking our preference or opinion about it. And when we become too old to be angry at our parents for bringing us here, and we’re in distress, we become angry at God for creating us in the first place.

I’d be lying if I said I never wish that I’d never been born. If I had never been born, I wouldn’t be dealing with bipolar, depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts. If I had never been born, I wouldn’t have needed to be hospitalized twice. If I had never been born, I wouldn’t have a job or finances to worry about. If I had never been born, I wouldn’t be a burden to my family. It all sounds so ideal. So what the hell am I doing here, anyway?

To answer the question, I have to step out of myself for a moment. I have to shut off the critical voice inside my head and the angry woman in the mirror that tells me that I’m a worthless waste of space, and try to be objective.

Let’s see. If I had never been born…

…My mother, who’d had several miscarriages before I was born and longed for a baby for many years, might have always sadly wondered what might have been.

…My father probably would have been divorced much earlier, and would have lived more of his life alone.

…Gigi may have been injured or died in a drunk-driving accident, because I wouldn’t have been at the party to talk her out of driving.

… Laurel may have married a boy she did not love, because I wouldn’t have been there to help boost her confidence.

…Dedree may have died in her dorm room, because I wouldn’t have been there to contact emergency services when she went into shock because of bulimia.

…A little boy whose name I do not know may have suffered more abuse, because I would not have been there to call the police.

…Several publications would not have won a number of awards.

…My husband might never have met his soul mate; our church might not exist; and our son would be someone else.

So I guess it’s good that I’m here, although it really doesn’t feel that way much of the time. The next time I wish I had never been born, I really need to remember the consequences of my not being here.

And the same goes for you. Most of the situations above were the results of something as simple as a conversation or a phone call. Whose life has benefitted by your birth?


  1. WOW...!!! Thank you for this thought provoking post. Ironic thing is 9/15 being my birthday and I did not want it to happen for the very reason your title indicates. It's hard to celebrate your birth when you wish you'd never been born at all. I went through the entire day miserable, put on my happy face just for the kids. Although my husband tried to set my mind on this track, it's only after reading your post that I really got some perspective. Thank you !

  2. I love this post. I think that everyone, regardless of their state of mind, would benefit from periodically taking an inventory like this. The daily weight we all carry can seem overwhelming until we realize that the good we each do is much more powerful. It just happens in spurts.

    Thank you for your posts and sharing your thoughts with the world. You can add that as another item to your list because it's making a difference for me.