Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Psych psayings. Volume 1. Tuesday, November 30, 2010.
If you can’t beat it, laugh at it. Here are my favorite psych gems … so far. Enjoy. Peace/Love, Alizah.
“I was going to buy a copy of "The Power of Positive Thinking,” and then I thought: What the hell good would that do?” –Ronnie Shakes
"I WILL NOT PRESCRIBE MEDICATION." –Bart Simpson writing on the chalkboard, "The Simpsons"
After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me, "Maybe life isn't for everyone." – Larry Brown
CLIENT: "That’s why yellow makes me sad, I think."
FORMER DRILL SERGEANT, TURNED BAD PSYCHIATRIST: "That’s interesting. You know what makes me sad? You do! Maybe we should chug on over to mamby-pamby land and find some self confidence for you, you jack wagon! Tissue…? You cry baby!" –Geiko commercial
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
A man goes to see his psychiatrist. He says, "Doctor, I've been having suicidal tendencies. What should I do?" The psychiatrist replies, "Pay your bill today."
"We are bringing a revolutionary new medicine to them, a medicine with which the Federation hopes to eliminate mental illness for all time!" –Captain Kirk's log, "Whom Gods Destroy," "Star Trek," January 1969
“I’m on Adderall and Xanax. So I’m ignoring you, but I don’t care.”
MRS. BAKERMAN: Dr. Hartley, if you're looking for a new member of our group, I know a nice schizophrenic.
MR. PETERSON: Or how about a manic-depressive? At least you know they'll be fun half the time.
–“The Bob Newhart Show”
"I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry, it's not the end of the world." – Jay London
"'Neurotic' means he's not as sensible as I am, and 'psychotic' means he's even worse than my brother-in-law." –Karl Menninger
“He fills me with hope. Plus some other emotions which are weird and deeply confusing.” –Captain Zapp Brannigan, “Futurama”
BARRY: "I wanted to ask you something because you're a doctor ... I don't like myself sometimes. Can you help me?"
WALTER: "Barry, I'm a dentist." – "Punch Drunk Love”
"I am the Lord they God. Thou shalt not have strange gods before Me. Out of my way, asshole." –Jack, "The Dream Team"
"I read somewhere that 77% of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23% who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." –Emo Philips
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
"Shit happens. Mostly to me, so don't worry." –Anonymous
“After 10 years in therapy, my psychologist told me something very touching. He said, “No hablo ingles.’” –Dennis Wolfberg
"If you talk to God, you are praying. If God talks to you, you have schizophrenia." – Thomas Szasz
Reality is overrated.
There are 3 kids, named Nobody, Somebody and Crazy. One day, an accident happens and Crazy runs like hell to the police station. Crazy: "Somebody killed Nobody!" Police: "Are you crazy?!" Crazy: "YES!"
"The other day, I cried. But you know what? Fuck that day. That's why God, or whoever, makes other days." – "Precious"
"I was depressed at that time. I was in analysis. I was suicidal as a matter of fact and would have killed myself, but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian, and, if you kill yourself, they make you pay for the sessions you miss." –Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"
Religion isn't the opium of the people. Opium is the opium of the people.
Why do psychiatrists give their patients shock treatment? To prepare them for the bill.
“If one person calls you a horse’s ass, you can blow it off. If 10 people call you a horse’s ass, it is time to buy a saddle.” –John Collis
"I remember when I lost my mind ... There was something so pleasant about that place." –"Crazy," Gnarles Barkley
"Can't a person sit here and have a nervous breakdown without being asked if something's the matter?!" –Charles Barsotti cartoon
"Marge, I know you've tried everything to keep Bart under control: Ritalin, Lithium, Zoloft. Well, they didn't work. He has moved on to DRUGS." – Superintendent Chalmers, "The Simpsons"
“One does a mitzvah, and this is the thanks one gets?” –The Dybbuk, “A Serious Man”
"What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?" – Ursula K. LeGuin
DONNIE:" I made a new friend today."
DR. THURMAN: " Real or imaginary?"
"If you could understand crazy, it wouldn't be crazy." -"Splice"
TODAY'S INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHT: Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.
You have the right to quit Toxic People. (They're contagious.) –Dr. SunWolf
“I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.” – Jack Handy
"I'm so happy, I found my friends. They're in my head." –"Lithium," Nirvana