Programmed to self-destruct. Thursday, December 9, 2010.

“My head was full of wild ambitious urges to hurt myself. I tasted the ambrosia of maddened impulse. I wanted my interior pain out in my body somehow. I wanted this vague pain to be specific. That’s how I explain it.” –Charles Baxter

I was invited to a Facebook group today. It turned out to be a pro-ana group, and the girls there were looking for “buddies” – people who would join them in the quest of starving themselves to death. I declined.

I checked out this young girl’s FB profile. She’s a very pretty girl. But most of her photos are graphic, triggering shots of self-harm, drugs, and starvation.

Since we’ve never communicated, I don’t know what to say to her. But I read her profile description, and I fear it speaks for many girls – girls who have suffered abuse (usually of the sexual sort), and who continue the pain by abusing themselves. Saddest of all, it seems these young people have made a decision – they prefer sickness to health, pain to comfort, death to life. Here are her words:

I'd rather stay home and get high then go to school. I'd rather get paid for fucking someone then go to an actual job. I'd rather be skinny and pretty then a fat pig. I'd rather have my little episodes then have to deal with real life. I'd rather live my life through a haze of pills then with nothing.

I'd rather be in the hospital then at home. I'd rather inhale the toxins from a cigarette than go and try and calm down another way. I'd rather cut myself with the ice cold metal of a razor blade then cry myself to sleep. I'd rather go out and get a police record then be the good little girl who never does wrong.

I'd rather drink myself into a coma then reminisce about my past. I'd rather be fake and happy then let you know I'm dying inside.

What does all this crap mean? Let me lay it out for you straight. I skip school, I do a ton of drugs, I'm a prostitute, I'm anorexic/bulimic, I have a ton of mental illnesses, I pop pills, I've been in a hospital 4 times, I smoke, I cut and burn, I get in trouble with the police and school alot, and I drink. All in all, I'd rather be anyone else but who I really am. I'm truly a child from hell.