Goodbye, Miasha. Monday, June 21, 2010.

“God always answers our prayers, but sometimes the answer is no.” – Unknown

I am a Christian. A doubting one, but a Christian just the same. When I got sick last year, I prayed for God to take my depression and my anxiety away. I prayed constantly for two months, and begged to feel God’s calming presence. I asked other people to pray for me.

These prayers were not answered – at least, not until long after my attempt when I got on the correct medication, which has improved – but not taken away – these negative feelings and thoughts.

Now another prayer has not been answered. Many people have been praying for little Miasha, only 10. She has now died after complications of surgery for spina bifida.

Her big sister, a “daughter” of mine, already struggles with severe depression. No one ever needs a sibling to die, but Leah even less so. She has already lost so much in her life that this death seems to come as a cruel joke, an exclamation point at the end of a long sentence filled with traumas. I feel so sad for her, and very afraid for her as well.

Which is better – to believe in a God that doesn’t answer heartfelt prayers, or to believe there is no God at all and that our lives are meaningless? Sometimes I envy atheists because things seem so simple for them. If something bad happens, they don’t have anyone to blame. But on the other hand, if something good happens, they don’t have anyone to thank, either.

I’ve tried to be an atheist in the past. It just doesn’t work for me. I find myself railing against the God I don’t believe in, inside my head. If I’m angry at God, then I must believe in him. Right?

I don’t know why God allowed me to be sick. I don’t know why he allowed Miasha to have spina bifida. I don’t know why he has allowed Leah to go through so much pain in her short life, and I don’t know why he allowed her little sister to die on top of it all. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.

But I do know that I imagine asking him these questions some day, which must mean that I want to be with him when I die. Because despite my doubts, despite my anger, despite my questions, I still somehow believe that God is the author of all that is good.

Dear God: Please take little Miasha’s soul up to heaven, where she can be at peace, without pain or fear. And let her watch over her dear big sister on this Earth, who will need strength from you to carry on. Amen.