Tuesday, June 22, 2010

The trajectory. Tuesday, June 22, 2010.

“Stairs are climbed step by step.” – Turkish proverb

Last year, I had surgery from which I had to heal. The healing process followed a trajectory. Every day I felt a little less pain, and every day I got physically stronger, until I was all healed up.

Recovery from a nervous breakdown and suicide attempt, I thought, would follow a similar trajectory. Once I was on meds and had a good treatment plan, I thought I would feel a little better each day and then one day I would be well.

But the process hasn’t been so smooth. Oh, I’m definitely better than I was last year at this time. But “well” hasn’t happened yet, and the trajectory is anything but clear. I have a few OK days, and then, on a day like yesterday, I crash and it feels like I’m starting all over again. Even on my OK days I still don’t feel “normal,” or what I remember my “normal” to be.

If I could put all of life’s stressors on a shelf for a few months, and have no worries at all; if my medications didn’t seem to feel different every day; if I didn’t have to think about job or money or family or health or future; maybe that trajectory would be smoother. Unfortunately, life gets in the way. The phrase “One step forward, two steps back” has a whole new meaning for me.

Wellness is still my goal. But how soon I’ll get there, and how many steps backward I’ll have to take before I do, is anyone’s guess. Still, I’ll keep climbing step-by-step toward that goal. The only other option is to give up – and I’ve tried that one already; I don’t want to go there again.

1 comment:

  1. Oh wow. I hear you loud and clear, Alizah. Perhaps the problem lies with the idea of "well" and our relationship to it, though? I'm working hard on changing my mind, because I can't seem to change my situation. Your words, as always, strike deep to the core. You are a blessing.