Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Bad choices. May 22, 2010.
"Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment." – Will Rogers
* * *
A lot of people say suicide is a choice. It is, but not like a choice you make about which shoes to wear with a dress. At the time it seems more like a choice about whether or not to gnaw off your leg if it's caught in a trap. It’s scary, it’s painful, you don’t know what will happen next but you feel like it’s the only thing you can do. At the top of my suicide note, I wrote, “THIS IS NOT A CHOICE.”
But it’s true I made the choice to buy the razor blades and the pills. It was a choice to rent out a room at the motel. In fact, the attempt was the end result of a dozen little choices I made that week. So what does that say about my judgment at the time? After all, I knew to get dressed. I knew how to operate the car to get there. So I wasn’t “out of my mind.” I resist saying this with all my soul, but yes, I made a choice. A very bad one.
And when people send me messages, or I see posts online, about wanting to commit suicide, I say there is a choice. Because, although it doesn’t seem that way, and as hard as it is to bear, there IS a choice. Exercise better judgment and save your life. You can.