Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Perfection. May 17, 2010.

“Cleanliness is next to Godliness.” – Some Horrible Person

* * *

I had a temper tantrum yesterday, with no one home to hear it.

It’s springtime and time for me to take out my summer weather clothes. But I couldn’t find them anywhere. Our house has never been sparkling. But since I got really sick with my depression last year, I’ve barely had the energy to do any organizing at all. There are boxes and bags and junk everywhere. And I sat and cried, because I imagined how my mom would be so disappointed to see how messy and disorganized my house is.

Of course I was really crying about a dozen things at once. Life still feels overwhelming to me; simple things are now hard. And the disorganization is just a symptom of all that.

But it’s just a symptom, not a cause. And my mom doesn’t have to live here. So a year after my attempt, I’m still in the process of getting well, still dealing with medication and side effects, still plodding with difficulty through every day. I’m scared, but I’m alive, and ultimately that’s what’s important.

By the way, do YOU know where my summer clothes are?

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